His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
