When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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