Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
