ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
