We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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