Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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