I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I want to be your penis for a week.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize