I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
