dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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