the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize