Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You took a bar mat shot.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
