I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
