I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
