so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
