WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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