remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
