There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
