Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
