He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
