On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
