just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
