the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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