You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
