Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
