there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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