I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
