Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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