Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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