You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
