He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize