If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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