mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize