My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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