I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
