I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
