I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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