I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
