I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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