I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize