Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
