Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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