Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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