Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
