i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Houston, we have a squirter
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
