i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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