You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
