one word: firstdatebathroomanal
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
as a side note pls kill me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
