you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
