My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
