Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
