youre lurking in front of me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
