i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
