dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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