I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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