Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
