I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
