My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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