someone owes me an orgasm
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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