That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
