Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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