Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
