Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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