You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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