I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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