foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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