I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
