At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
