Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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