so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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