Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
