I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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