Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize