just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize